6 Keys to Staying in Love
In
the dating world, most intimate relationships don’t turn into
long-term commitments. This happens for different reasons: Some loving
partners can’t get past the challenges that ultimately end their commitment to
each other. Some give up early, not wanting to waste time on something that is
already problematic; they just aren’t willing to put energy into a relationship
that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Others, determined to make the
relationship work, hold on to the bitter end, hoping that their continued
efforts will eventually succeed.
Many of
these frustrated relationship seekers come into therapy to try to
understand what they might be doing wrong. They’ve made their best efforts and
still can't make a relationship last. And they're aware that some
couples face the same odds, yet stay together. They want to know what these
people do differently that keeps their love alive. Are they just lucky people
who have magically found the right person, or do they make relationships work
no matter what? And if they do, what is their formula for success?
Stay-in-love couples each have their own style, but they also
have a lot in common. These six qualities are the most notable. It is my
hope that they will inspire others to find their own successful paths.
1. How
they resolve their conflicts.
Every
couple argues. If they are honest and authentic, they accept the fact that they
will never see eye-to-eye on everything. They know that differences of opinion
can add interest and intrigue to a relationship—if those disputes are worked
through successfully. They also know that unresolved repeated conflicts can
threaten and ultimately damage relationships, and make it much harder for
them to get back what they’ve lost.
In
contrast, stay-in-love couples ache when their disagreements drive them apart.
After a conflict, they strive to resolve the situation and make up as soon
as possible. Rather than needing to win, they want to understand why they
disagreed and how they could have done it better. Judgment is not an
issue—inquiry and learning are. Even when they are hurt or angry, they still
want their partner to feel heard and supported.
2. They refuse to assign blame.
During
a conflict, so many couples blame their partner for what's going wrong.
It’s hard for anyone to look at his or her role in conflict during the
middle of strong emotions. Perhaps to avoid guilt or feeling
righteous, some people try to make the other person into the bad guy, hoping
they will win the argument that way. Many people will cave in when they
feel badly about themselves, and counter-accusations sometimes successfully win
the argument.
The
sadness in assigning blame is that it doesn’t work in the long run. There are
always two sides to every story, and more than one way to see the truth. Every
intimate partner aches to be heard and understood, even if there are
conflicting realities. When intimate partners use blame to get their way, they
are likely to push their partners into defensiveness, anger, or
withdrawal, and risking their capacity to keep their love alive.
Stay-in-love
couples know that their partner’s views must be respected and honored,
especially if they are different from their own. They strive to understand them
to find a truth that allows for both. That doesn’t mean they will always agree,
but they know that every connection and every disconnection must be the
responsibility of both. It is a “we do this to each other,” and never, “This is
your fault because you’re obviously the problem here.”
3. How
they respond to requests for connection.
An important
part of every quality relationship is the ability for both partners to
authentically agree to honor the other’s feelings and thoughts, especially when
they are trying to work through difficult emotional issues.
Many partners
automatically treat each other this way when their relationship is new,
but as their relationship matures, they may come to feel burdened or
disrupted by continuous requests for connection, and not want to be immediately
available anymore. In trying to dismiss their partner’s desires quickly, they
may resort to trying to “fix” the situation without taking the time for deeper
inquiry. Or perhaps a preoccupied partner will minimize the other’s feelings to
try to neutralize them. An irritated partner may reply in with sarcasm or even
withdraw.
Partners who remain in love do not ignore a partner who
wants to connect for any reason. Even if they are distracted or preoccupied,
they take the time to understand what their partner needs, and decide together
how they should handle it. If that cannot happen at the time, both partners
make an agreement as to when they will resolve it. And they do not mock,
minimize, or disregard the other’s desire to connect.
4. How
they parent each other.
In
every intimate love relationship there is always an underlying “crisscross”
interaction between the symbolic parent in one partner and the symbolic child
in the other. It is impossible to be open and vulnerable to another human being
without those interactions happening from time to time.
People
are never just the age they are in the current moment. They are a composite of
all the ages they’ve ever been. If a partner had heartbreak
in childhood and a situation causes it to re-emerge in the present,
his or her partner can help ease, and even heal, that pain by acting as a nurturing
symbolic parent.
Those
automatic responses are notable in the early stages of a love relationship.
Intimate partners often refer to each other as if they were talking to young
children. They call each other “baby" or “sweetie-pie,” and every couple
knows what their unique, tender words mean to both of them. It is a normal
interaction.
As
relationships mature, many partners begin to feel less willing to give that
kind of unconditional nurturing, and might not be as automatically available
when the other slips into a younger place. When no longer loved in that tender
way, the needy partner may feel abandoned or rejected. They may feel they
must behave more carefully, having lost the confidence that anything
they say or do will be automatically supported. The symbolic parent-child
safety net that was available at the beginning of the relationship is no longer
always extended.
Stay-in-love couples understand how important it is to never
let those special “sweet spots” die. They know that their partner will
sometimes need to feel that guaranteed comfort and safety, and are more than
willing to act as the good parent when asked. They know that it is natural
for people to feel insecure and young at times, and they want to be there for
each other when that happens.
5. How
they deal with control.
Many
relationships fail because one partner attempts to dominate the other, or fears
being controlled by the other. Many people had childhood experiences in
which they felt unimportant and were expected to submit to whatever was
demanded of them. They often bring those trauma-memories into their adult
relationships, fearful of being controlled again. Those fears can
lead people to push for a partner’s automatic compliance, to allay
that anxiety. Many partners alternately pull a partner close and then push
him or her away, fearing that intimacy and commitment will lead to entrapment
and being controlled.
Stay-in-love
partners know that the need to feel in control at times is natural. It allows a
person to be fully respected as the stronger one in the relationship at that
moment. The other partner has confidence in his or her own autonomy to not
react defensively or take it personally. He or she doesn’t feel the need to
either counter-control or to automatically submit. Comfort with the situation
allows them to seek understanding about what may be driving
those behaviors. They also know that they will need to be the need-to-control
partner at other times, and will receive the same understanding and respect.
These
couples also know how quickly interactions can deteriorate if both want to be
in control at the same time. When those situations arise, they work to stay
centered and calm, agreeing to take turns listening to what each other need and
feel. When they fully understand what both of their desires for control are
about, they decide how to best help each other get their underlying needs met.
6. How
they respond to urgency.
Newly-in-love
couples are most often each other’s first priorities, so they respond
immediately to their partner’s distress signals. As life’s
obligations intervene and the couple resumes their normal routines, those
requests must be absorbed into other priorities. Even though they may realize
that being the center of someone’s life naturally somewhat diminishes over
time, many partners feel neglected when that happens. They may become more demanding
or feel neglected, and begin to blur the line between truly important requests
and less urgent ones, fearful that neither may be met.
Stay-in-love
couples are authentic, open, and self-reliant, but they also urgently need one
another at times. They trust that the other will never take advantage of that
immediate availability, and that when an urgent S.O.S. call goes out,
their partner will rapidly respond without question or challenge. They trust
that those requests are not expressed fraudulently or without concern for the
other’s needs. Stay-in-love partners understand the sanctity of personal
boundaries, and take pride in their own autonomy. They have learned that one of
the most important qualities any person can have is the ability to love again
after loss. That drives them to practice forgiveness and humility
when a conflict is over. Their mutual goals are to resolve and to
reconnect, leaving distress behind as soon as possible.
They
know that love must include always living in each other’s hearts, whether they
are together in the same place or temporarily separate. They know that the
future is unwritten and that they can be taken from each other at any time. The
acceptance of that truth continuously reminds them that their relationship is
only as good as they are able to re-create it in each present moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment