Thankful Thursday

The Thankful heart opens our eyes to a multitude of Blessings that continually surround us

The Power Of An Apology

Social Psychologist know that an apology leads to forgiveness, can recover a spoiled relationship, and may heal indignity. Saying "Sorry" denotes that you have chosen your relationship over your ego. Yet so many of us can't find the strength within us to admit our fault. Lets see what the main benefits of apologizing are, What the main obstacles are that hold us back from saying "I'm Sorry", and how to make a genuine apology.

THE BENEFITS OF APOLOGIZING

Apologizing is vital, since it helps to smooth any conflict and re-establish a spiritual connection with the partner. If you master the act of apologizing. it will help you reduce relationship stress and to move on from conflicts and tensions. There are many proven benefits of apologizing.

1. When you say that you are sorry, it restores the dignity of the hurt person and makes them feel better. The offended party, who receives the apology, develops empathy towards the offender, which then transforms their feeling of hurt into forgiveness.

2. An apology may restore trust and understanding to a relationship, because it contributes to a feeling of safety and makes both the receiver and the giver feel comfortable and respected. Apologizing therefore helps you and your loved one stay emotionally connected and strengthens the bond between you two.

3. When you make a sincere apology, and this trust and understanding gets restored, a person can start to see you in a different light. They will have a greater tendency to overlook your flaws and highlight your virtues.

4. As Guy Winch, psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid, reckons, "An effective apology doesn't just heal the wound for the other person, it will dissolve your guilt too." Eventually, you develop a sense of self-respect and the ability to move on quickly. it also serves as a deterrent, so that you dont repeat the same mistakes again\

Why is it so difficult to say "I'm Sorry"?

I'm Sorry"- This simple phrase is so hard to pronounce sometimes. The underlying reasons for this are varied, but the most common are:

1. When you apologize, you admit that you may be wrong, which is a threat to our ego and our pride. You should learn how to be objective and admit your mistakes, and not to allow your egocentrism to blind you.

2. Some people see an apology as a confirmation of guilt and as a result of responsibility for the conflict. They mistakenly believe that if they apologize , then the other person wouldn't realize his or her own wrong behavior. This is false. Apologizing  in fact opens the lines of communication and stimulates empathy  and understanding on both sides.

3. The apology is viewed as a means to draw attention to the mistake. This leads to a misguided implication that its better to ignore or deny offenses and hope that nobody will notice. But it doesn't matter how little the mistake is; if there is hurt involved, you should apologize rather than let it fester.

4. The person thinks that he or she is the one who deserve an apology first, so they wait for the partner to apologize. But this can be toxic for the relationship. Don't wait, make the first step: apologizing will only increase your self-respect, not diminish it.

5. The person might see an apology as a way of dwelling on the past, when they just want to move on. But if you move forward without first analyzing and understanding your actions and the hurt they caused, then you are likely to repeat your mistakes in the future.

6. Some people assume that apologizing is a sign of weakness, but actually it is a hall mark of strength. it is an act of generosity and an expression of hope for  a recrudescent relationship  it is in fact an act of bravery, because it subjects people to the risk of humiliation

7. The person believes that he or she is not worthy of forgiveness. They cling to excuses like he or she will never forgive me, so why should i even try? But thoughts like these can be extremely destructive to a relationship.

TIPS FOR GIVING A GENUINE APOLOGY

If you want to make a heartfelt apology and make the offended person feel better, then try to stick to these tips.

1.When you are sorry, mean it Deep regret goes further than just saying you are sorry. Deep regret says that if i could turn the clock back, and if i could do anything about it, i would have liked to have avoided it. "But before apologizing, recognize your fault and make the apology specific.

2. choose the timing carefully. A person might need time to heal wounds, but you shouldn't let grievances take root in the heart. Speak up if you are sorry for something you have done, and let them know that you are ready to discuss it when they are.

3. Take responsibility for your actions. Don't be defensive and don't look for excuses and explanations. The message, "I take responsibility for being angry and hurting you yesterday," is coherent and direct. Forget about any "buts" in your speech.

4. The manner is important. Make sure that your body language expresses what you feel. Always apologize in person, make eye contact, keep arms uncrossed, put away your phone and focus on the person. These clues will help show that you really do want to rebuild trust.

An apology cannot change what has been done, but it can help to ease the tension and relieve stress. Apologizing gives hope for rebuilding. if you value the relationship, then an honest apology can make the relationship go a long way

MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY

1. Who you spend your time with will have a great impact on what kind of life you live. Spend time with the right people- Joel Osteen

2. When change happens, you have a choice of how you are going to respond. you can either lose your composure and react impetuously or use the event or situation as a learning opportunity to shift your mindset and respond appropriately. Begin to notice your responses when changes occur and do your best to choose a breakthrough over a break down - Susan C. Young

3. If you chase anything in life, chase the things that get you excited about living, chase the things that give you hope, happiness and a glimpse of a better life. Chase the things that make you want to be a better person, Chase the things that inspire you to think, create and live joyfully. Chase the things that make you want to transform your heart from selfish to selfless. When you chase those kind of storm you are chasing rainbows- Shannon L Alder

4. Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and enjoying it for everything that is it -Mandy Hale

5. Experience is the teacher of all things - Julius Caesar

THANKFUL THURSDAY

Relationship Wednesday (Self Love)

Relationships

Good relationships are the foundation for success in all areas of your life.


This begins with your relationship with yourself. If you do not love yourself entirely and actively ensure your own needs are met, you will find it difficult to do the same for others.
Know this: However you treat yourself is how you will treat others. This is why, ironically the most selfless thing you can do is to be self centered (albeit not selfish).

Once you love and accept all aspects of yourself completely and treat yourself that way, once you become grounded and centered in your being, serving and empowering others will come naturally.

Imagining and looking back at yourself from the end of your life, ask yourself right now, "How well did I love myself? Was I my own best friend? Was I completely honest with myself?"
You see, it is easy- without realizing it- to neglect the one person in your life who is your partner in everything that you do and are: you
Practicing self love not only involves making sure your needs are met; it also means not subjecting yourself to environments, perspectives, relationships, and other commitments that dis-empower you.

Don't worry so much about being rude. It is more detrimental to both yourself and the other person to keep commitments that you are unable to uphold, then it is to cut the tie and be free, if you feel you are being anchored down

Ask yourself: "What kind of people did I surround myself with? Who supported me in fulfilling my destiny, and how did i support others in realizing theirs?" I n life, you can either unconditionally accept the relationships that are handed to you, or you can create connections that you find mutually fulfilling.

Ask yourself: "If I could do it over again, what values do i look for in a friend, life partner, mentor and business partner? What kind of brother, sister, son, husband, wife, father, mother, friend, teacher and student and what have i been?

RELATIONSHIP VALUES
You will also want to adopt a strong set of values to support your relationships. The ones i have chosen are Generosity,  assertiveness, discernment, and forgiveness.

GENEROSITY
There is no such thing as a stingy lover. It is good to give freely- with no strings attached. You will find that by being generous, others tend to respond favorably to you. What you give comes back to you in different ways. Generosity is one of the greatest virtues a person can embody, in my opinion.

ASSERTIVENESS
It is also crucial that you assert yourself in your relationship with others. Ask yourself, "Does the person with whom i am in a relationship with share my vision for our relationship. Whether it become romance, friendship, or business? Do you have the strength to set up boundaries and say "no" in your relationships? What are those boundaries? Are you honest and transparent with yourself and others, and are you able to assert your wishes clearly and respectfully?

Don't allow people to trade on you, bring you down, or take from you without permission. Knowing how to say "no" in relationships is as important as understanding how to say "Yes".

DISCERNMENT
Discernment is the ability to take a step back and assess whether your current relationships are resourceful to you or not.
Looking somewhat objectively at you life, you will realize which relationships are not resourceful for your greater vision. Maybe those friends who play video games every waking hour or not your crowd. Perhaps that woman, as beautiful as she is, might not be the best one for you to marry.
Whatever the case may be, you have to be discerning enough to examine your relationships.
Are the people in your life those whom you want to be surrounding yourself with, and are they supporting you on your mission?
The people with whom you associate have tremendous impact on your character and on your legend. As Jim Rohn said, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." That is to say, if the five people you associate with are lazy, then you yourself may adopt that tendency.

FORGIVENESS
And finally, forgiveness is key.

Don't throw stones, because we all live in glass houses. The understanding that you yourself are imperfect- Just like everyone else - is  a prerequisite for being able to forgive. Give people the benefit of the doubt, without being naive.

Often times, forgiving the other person is better than "winning" an argument. It does not mean that they are justified in their error, but reprimanding them for their actions usually does not accomplish anything.
Forgiving someone else is as much for you, if not more, then it is for the other person.

CONCLUSION
Your relationship with yourself is the first and foremost most important thing that you could cultivate if you want to improve your outside relationships in general. It is the foundation of your character and how you interact with the world.

MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY

Get yourself Motivated with these Words

1. If you see yourself as an artist, and you can see that your life is your own creation, then why not create the most beautiful story for yourself? - Miguel Ruiz

2. Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful - Joshua Marine

3. In essence, if we want to direct our lives, we must take control of our consistent actions. It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently- Tony Robbins

4. I find it sad that too many do not understand themselves, or their potential. They don't even take the time to get to know their unconsciousness. You can truly learn so much. by simply getting to know the "you" that is behind the reality of yourself - Lionel Suggs

5. By making yourself a life-long learner you will keep discovering new and exciting things about yourself  and others - Rachel Robins

How To Regain Broken Trust In A Relationship

Trust is the rock upon which all relationships exist. if that rock is chipped away by deceit,over time the foundation crumbles.

When something more serious happens such as infidelity in a marriage, the trust and foundation are broken in an instant. it is not easy to rebuild trust but it is possible.

Whether the trust is broken between a friendship or a marriage, the steps and formula for overcoming the broken trust are the same. In any relationship where trust is broken, both parties must be willing to work through the brokenness in order to heal the relationship. It is not a one sided process.
When the party who has been hurt does not want to reconcile because the hurt is too deep, then the relationship cannot be restored. Likewise, if the offending party does not want to own up to their wrong doing that broke the trust, then the relationship cannot be restored in that situation either.
Both sides must be willing to come to the table and be open, honest, and vulnerable. They must also care enough to want to put forth the effort that is required to make the relationship work again. It is not a one sided process.

In fact, it requires a great deal from both parties involved. There is a question to ask before you embark on restoration of the relationship: "is the person and relationship you had worth the emotional effort?" It's only a question you can answer for yourself. If you answered yes, and the other party has also said yes, then the formula below will help both parties work through the broken trust so the relationship can be restored.

The good news is that when using this formula, both parties can become more emotionally healthy and the relationship can be strengthened.

When trust is broken and both parties are willing to do what it takes in this formula to make the relationship work, then that relationship is strengthened and enhanced.

Some of the enhancements may include greater closeness, improved transparency, sincere vulnerability and open communications that create a better, longer lasting relationship.

HOW THE COME FORTH FORMULA REBUILD TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP

The Come forth formula is a process that couples can go through to regain trust in their relationship. This process works for marriages, romantic relationships, friendships, co-workers, family members and more.
The goal of this method is to have healing to restore the relationship and for trust to be fully established once again.
The COME part of the formula is for the party that is the offender This is the person who did something that broke the trust in the relationship.
The FORTH part of the formula is for the receiving end. The person who was hurt and whose trust was broken is to use the FORTH part of the formula to work through the hurt to learn to trust again.
The COME FORTH formula is for both parties to work through the broken trust to help heal the relationship and themselves. It is not an easy or quick process for either party. It requires commitment, vulnerability, openness, and a willingness to communicate from both parties. When the come forth formula is completed correctly, the relationship can be restored.

FOR THE OFFENDER COME

 C: COME CLEAN
Now is the time to come clean about whatever it is that you have done to wrong your loved one, friend, co-worker, or someone else who you hurt by breaking their trust. it is better for you to admit your wrong doing and genuinely seek forgiveness before they find out from someone else.

• Before you approach the individual to come clean, know what you are going to say.

Make sure your heart is in a state of seeking forgiveness and wanting to heal the relationship by telling them.If you are angry and blaming them for your wrong doing in any way, then you are likely to cause more division rather than getting on the right path toward healing the relationship.

• When you are coming clean, begin with letting the other person know how much you value them which is why you are coming clean
• Show your remorse
• Be the calming force in the storm

O: OPEN YOUR SELF EMOTIONALLY

Once you have completed the first step and have come clean about your offence then the next step is to be open emotionally. What this really means is that you need to listen to the sincere thoughts and emotions from the person you have hurt.
1. Listen with empathy
2. Ask for forgiveness
3. This is also a time when you, the offending party, need to do some soul searching

M: MAKE MEANINGFUL CONVERSATIONS

Meaningful conversations following the coming clean and asking for forgiveness is the next step in the process of healing the broken trust. When emotions have calmed and anger has begun  to subside, the other party may be willing to sit down and hear why you did what you did.
Again, it is never appropriate to place blame back on the victim. Instead use what was revealed to you in your soul searching process as  a starting point for making meaningful conversations.
If the other person cares for you and your relationship then they will want to help you process through whatever fears or emotional difficulties you are experiencing that caused you to violate their trust.

• Talk openly about those fears and what caused you to do what you did to them.

It helps the other person realize that the issue was not with them. For example, you didn't cheat on your spouse because you didn't find them appealing anymore. It was because you have fear of abandonment issues. Talk about that fear and open up to the person you hurt. They deserve to understand why it happened. this will also help to lift the burden of responsibility from them.

• Understand the root cause

Finding out the real cause underneath of why the trust was violated helps those who have been victimized feel less burdened by any feelings of responsibility for the cause of the trust violation. The goal is understanding the root cause and the underlying emotional issues. so that healing can happen in the relationship.

E: ENGAGE IN FULL TRANSPARENCY

The fourth step for the person who has violated trust in the relationship is to engage in full transparency. This should be something offered up before even asking. if you are the offending part, you should desire for them to trust you again.

• Transparency will help bring back the trust

For example, if you were part of a charity planning event and you took money from the event for personal use, then you need to be fully transparent with the accounts and paper work with the other individuals working on the event.

FOR THE VICTIM: FORTH

F: FORGIVE

Forgiveness is the first step in healing the relationship on the end of the victim. Holding onto the hate, anger, and negative feelings will only make you feel worse.

• Let those feelings go by allowing yourself to forgive.

This doesn't mean that there aren't consequences, which you will come to terms with while engaging in meaningful conversation with the other person.

For example, If it is a situation where infidelity has occurred, then the transparency with phone and email records and such moving forward would be a consequence of the violation of your trust.

forgiveness means that you are willing to work through the wrong doings that occurred that broke the trust. You are willing to care for this person enough that you want to work with them emotionally to process through the pain to restore the relationship.

• If they haven't admitted their wrong doing, give them a few days after you discuss the matter initially. There are many times that the person who broke the trust is found out before they admit what they did wrong. They should still get the chance to come clean and make things right. This means that there must be a willingness to forgive before they even admit their wrong doing.
• Approach the person with empathy: You never know what kind of other issues they are dealing with in their heart, mind, and soul. Give them the courtesy of kind words and a calm tone of voice, for the sake of your relationship.
• If after your chosen time period of allowing them to digest your conversation they are still not willing to admit their wrong doing, you can take it to the next level.: This would be seeking someone of higher authority for counsel. This could, For example, be a marriage counselor in the case of infidelity.

O: OPEN CONVERSATIONS

This is the time when you need to share with the person who hurt you, how they hurt you.

• You need to express yourself using "I feel" statements: Expressing yourself with statements that begin with "I feel" approaches     
• A Word to the wise: Do not begin the blame game. If you start blaming them rather than using "I feel statements" then they are going to get on the defensive. 
• Write down the specific "I feel" statements before you go to the person in conversation: Again, do not approach the person with a group. Rather, the conversation is to be one on one. if you take multiple people or even one other person, they will feel that you are ganged up on them.\

R: REQUEST WHAT YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

This step goes hand-in-hand with the "O: Open conversations" Now is the time to discuss what happened and how things can be resolved.

• You need to discuss how the trust was broken, what is required to heal the relationship, and how your relationship will work moving forward: It is important that your requirements and expectation for the other party are reasonable. if you set the bar too high and expect too much, you are setting the person and relationship up for failure.
• Set reasonable expectations to regain trust: Things such as transparency with phone records, text and emails going forward is a reasonable expectation, Discuss these matters without making demands. Talk about what would make you feel comfortable and help to rebuild the trust. if the other party cares enough, they will be willing to meet your reasonable requests.

T: TALK ABOUT THE BETRAYAL TO A CONFIDANT OR PROFESSIONAL

Talk to a wise counsel on the matter of your trust being broken.

Talking with someone else will help you gain better understanding of the situation and your own feelings.

It will also help you process the emotions you have on this matter.
Allow yourself to open up to someone who can help you through this situation.

Using a professional such as a counselor is always a wise choice when seeking help about deeply personal matters.

• Don't keep your feelings inside

Trust broken can bring up all sort of feelings, emotions, and even past unresolved issues. When you keep these things inside and never unburden yourself emotionally by talking through things, you allow the emotions to fester.

H: HEAL YOURSELF TO HEAL THE RELATIONSHIP

Depending on the level of the pain inflicted and the sort of trust that was broken will determine how much healing you need. if for example, you found out that your spouse has cheated on you with your best friend, you are going to need some serious healing. This wont happen overnight. it involves time, patience with yourself, and professional help when needed.

A counselor is definitely recommended in situations of infidelity. Not only for couple

's counseling, but also for individual therapy for each party. The person who has been victimized has a lot to overcome emotionally.

Here are some ways that you can find healing process:

Find a support group for the particular experience you are going through.
Though there may not be support groups for all kinds of trust violations, there are for the major violations such as infidelity.

• Seek Individual counseling from a professional

As mentioned before, seeking professional help is good for both you and your partner.

• Journal about your experience.

Journal about your current feelings, and where you want yourself and the relationship to be in the future.

• Avoid bashing the person who broke your trust.
• Get all your questions answered.

HITTING THE RESET BUTTON ON THE RELATIONSHIP

When both parties have resolved to work through the broken trust to save the relationship then you can hit the reset button together. What this means is that you are both willing to work through the COME FORTH method to heal yourselves and the relationship.

You can't just say "Let's start over" because that won't solve any of the problems or heal the emotional issues.

You need to apply the COME FORTH method to work through it together and individually. Doing this will indeed reset the relationship and set it up for greater success.

MOTIVATIONAL MONDAY

1. Free your self from your past mistakes, by forgiving yourself for what you have done or went through. Every day is another chance to start over- Unknown

2. It is less about becoming a better person, and more of being better, as a person - J.R. Rim

3. You can't litter negativity everywhere and then wonder why you have got a trashy life - Unknown

4. Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain - Vivian Greene

5. When you know what you want, and want it bad enough, you will find a way to get it - Jim Rohn

6. Free yourself from your past mistakes, by forgiving yourself for what you have done or went through. Everyday is another chance to start over- Unknown